1: Bifocal Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half frames too!), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue & Martha Street Living.
2: Hot Flush Barbie: Press Barbie’s belly-button and watch her face turn bright red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tissues.
3: Facial hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, watch her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4: Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two –MuMus with tummy support panels are included. Tight abs are a must!
5: Bunion Barbie. Campaigning and travelling the country in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. No more Naughty Monkeys.
6: No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7: Hockey Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old school megaphone to root for Barbie and Todd jnr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8: Mid-Life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Todd. Barbie needs a change and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new bright red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B & B . Includes a reel tape of “Breaking up is hard to do”.9: Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99 and comes with Todd's house, Todd's car, Todd's plane and Todd's boat.
10: Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes a copy of the Little Big Book and a six pack of Diet Dr Peppers.
11: Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Todd sitting on the couch watching the TV, clicking through the channels. Comes with depends and Kleenex. As a bonus, the book “Getting in touch with your inner self” is included.(Picture by Teutonic13)
.
This is HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteBRILLIANT! But, oh my – I was sooo looking forward to the Early-Onset Dementia Barbie, complete with reprints of newspapers whose names she can’t remember, invitations to parties she accepted but never turned up at, a range of accessories she was for before she was against them, a stylish world-salad bowl for mixing those metaphors and a motorised zimmer frame to nowhere…
ReplyDelete"The Naughty Monkey customer is a fashion innovator, confident in her sense of style; knowing what she wants and what she likes. When she wears something – she owns it. She is funky, sophisticated and edgy, with a touch of sweet. The Naughty Monkey customer loves fun, loves fashion and loves life!"
ReplyDeleteFrom Naughty Monkey website.
I'd prefer us to lay off the gratuitous insults to SP. I'm as rabid as anyone in wishing SP off the scene for her many unethical acts, but I also think she is very pretty (no need for any repairs) has a nice body, whether she is ultra-thin or normal. I think her shoe choice is fine and none of our business in any case. I also think she is plenty smart, just uses it in the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteI hate to see wholesale teasing (it's too close to bullying, and I think we've all had enough of that), even though I know we are all frustrated that her actual acts are being swept under the rug faster than anyone can document them. And there is such an abundance of actual attention-worth acts that we do not need to resort to this.
Sheer genius. I loved all of the "spot-on" descriptions. You could start a contest to create more "Palin-Barbies"
ReplyDeleteHow about, "Vocally Challenged Barbie"
Comes with pull string on back of neck which emits famous Palin "word salad" phrases. Also, too comes with Palin/English, English/Palin dictionary to help decipher whatever the hell she is talking about.
lynnrockets.com
C'est magnifique ma cherie, mais ou est les "prop stage" infants?
ReplyDeleteYou're too kind, Amy1.
ReplyDeleteI'm of the opinion that -- now that Palin is no longer an elected public official by virtue of her quitting her job, but continues to act like she wants attention and wants to be in the public eye and wants to be a "player" -- she should get all the attention that a celebrity of her particular talents and qualifications deserves.
Thanks, Regina, for ensuring that happens! :)
Christ, if there's anything that could give me a modicum of sympathy for Sarah Palin, it's crap like this. Women in the public eye are subject to relentless scrutiny about their looks. Please, let's not add to it.
ReplyDeleteAre her little vanities an easy target? Yeah, sure they are. But seriously, who gives a flying fuck? Sarah Palin is a monumentally unserious person who is unfit to hold office on the basis of her policies, her character, her ethical shortcomings, her mental instability, and her utter lack of knowledge or interest in the world around her. Really, I think that's enough.
Look, I know this post was put up in fun. But, I"m sure Bush's remarks about Hillary Clinton's "fat kiester" were just in fun, too.
I see nothing wrong with this post. It illustrates Palin's superficiality. Also, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Amy, all the attempts to denigrate her appearance are sort of denying the reality. I don't know what she could need to improve as far as looks go but oh, boy, could she use a makeover of her soul. If she's gone to rehab, don't expect any change in her soul, though. She'll just be more effective without those chemical crutches. Effectively evil.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is: her looks are not hers. She once said that she uses a tray of makeup. She's hiding behind a mask.
ReplyDeleteAmy1: I disagree. Regina has absolutely nailed it with this Barbie spoof – precisely because SP is exactly the kind of airheaded Barbie who gives all women a bad name, by playing solely to a male audience and using her pageant-princess looks in a way that is aimed at completely disengaging their brains (without actually requiring the use of her own). “Pretty” is the only asset she has, and it will soon fade. “Plenty smart” she is not – by any stretch of the imagination. Cunning and manipulative maybe – but not smart.
ReplyDelete(BTW: women who use their brains and their genuine talent don’t “fade” – go take a look at some photos of Louise Bourgeois or Georgia O’Keefe in their nineties. “Pretty” they are not. Beautiful, yes.)
Sorry to spoil the fun with such a curmudgeonly rant...
Some additions:
ReplyDeletePhilosopher Barbie: Creates profound observations about life, nature and political enemies in 140 characters or less. Comes with loose leaf booklet of quotes, suitable for mounting on refrigerator magnets.
Scholar Barbie: World expert on finance, environment, energy, politics, childhood issues, marital relations. Comes with pre-written speeches appropriate for any crowd.
Interview Barbie: Speaks in incomplete unrelated sentences. Due to a new digital program, this Barbie will never answer a direct question. There is a debugging device which jams any nearby recording or photographic equipment.
Loving Mom Barbie: Quits high profile career to spend more time with her husband and family. This model is currently out of stock. We would like to back order, but we have no idea when it will become available.
Disappearing Barbie: Poses for photos, chats and tweets non-stop and then suddenly disappears. Now you see her, now you don't. Hours of fun looking for this Barbie. Manufacturer does not guarantee this Barbie once you find her; surprises for the whole family.
Piggy Bank Barbie: This is a wonderful place to store your spare change. Reminds you of those charming metal mechanical banks where you put a coin in the doll's hand and it swallows your money.
Secret Powers Barbie: This doll doesn't do anything, but thanks to her, she has the power to bring unrelated people from all parts of the world together to discuss her and her family. Thanks Regina, for the hilarious post today, and thanks too, also to Secret Powers Barbie for bringing us all together.
Come on! Regina doesn't have to publish heavy posts all the time. A little bit of fun won't detract from the more serious issues.
ReplyDeleteAfter all the speculation about where and why Sarah Palin was hiding all these weeks, this blog allows us to be silly for a moment.
She's the queen of the tabloids, after all.
A "new" Sarah Palin might emerge, more attractive to her baseand others, more articulate, more polished. Therein lies the danger.
I don't see any problem with a blogger like Regina showing the Caribou Barbie Sarah really is. We don't want her to be taken seriously, do we?
Tee hee. :)
ReplyDeleteAnon asks, "C'est magnifique ma cherie, mais ou est les "prop stage" infants?"
ReplyDeleteCe sont les "prop stage" enfants--parce qu'il y a deux, n'est-ce pas?
Oh-oh – did we forget Pregnant Barbie? Goes from superslender to supersized(and back again) in the wink of an eye. Complete with a selection of colourful scarves.
ReplyDeleteI think that many -- teenage boys especially -- have fantasies about Palin because they think she's attractive. Anything that can be done to disabuse them of their idiocy is welcome.
ReplyDeleteShe's a "Barbie" because she's shallow and fake and deliberately plays on her good looks and her sexuality to attract POLITICAL supporters. I don't think there's anything wrong in pointing that out. And since she does use her looks--and her supporters are always telling us we don't like her because she's pretty--her looks become fair game. So do her artificial enhancements of those looks--the tattooed lip liner, the capped teeth, the Botox she had while sequestered right after the Repub Convention, whatever work she's had done now. These are the actions of a celebrity, not a serious stateswoman. God help us if that line gets blurred.
ReplyDeleteThis woman has set back women in politics by generations.
Thanks midnightcajun... just what I was trying to say earlier, but got so grumpy even thinking about it that I ended up ranting. You put it so much better!
ReplyDeleteI'm stunned that I just read someone state SP was "plenty smart". I've known and been around this fraudulent fruitcake since '92 and I can tell you she is definitely NOT smart by any stretch of the imagination. Even when she was nothing more than a barfly in Wasilla in the early 90's you couldn't understand a single thing she said. I won't go into the nickname she was known by in the bars back then but believe me it had nothing to do with "smart"
ReplyDeleteI am interested in getting some of that Skin Sparkle-Spackle, would that be at Walgreens or Home Depot?
ReplyDeleteHoley Magoly anon@20:11!
ReplyDeleteYou and others of your ilk are very welcome to this conversation!
Why don't you email Patrick and tell him what's really bothering you. I know you'll feel much better, once you do!
Thanks for contributing,
pen
http://community.adn.com/mini_apps/vmix/player.php?ID=5954775&GID=118
ReplyDeleteCan anyone watch this in slow motion, just on the off chance...
Thanks for the funny funny yet oh-so-true column. I know it isn't nice to trash the handicapped, but this woman has so much to be trashed for.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes it isn't polite to diss on her looks. She isn't a ugly person on the outside - unfortunately to a lot of us, we can see the oozing of the black bile from the vile insides. The woman must be solid rot inside.
But when people say she has smarts? That is where I challenge. Smarts? My 10 year old granddaughter could get a Journalism Degree in 3 years from a top university. Shall we revisit the many "schools of Sarah"?
She is NOT a smart person. Good Lord, George Bush thinks she is a lightweight. It's like a Bert and Ernie skit from Sesame Street.
She is NOT smart. She is clever and manipulative. But she has something that other people do not have which gives her a HUGE advantage.
She has a mental illness. She has NPD - RAGING and RAVING NPD.
Not smart.
Probably boneheadedly stupid.
Then again, if she got on some meds, she could maybe even attain "human" but it's doubtful.
The woman is a chattering squirrel...and she has that squeaky little squirrel chatter.
She needs to go gather some nuts.
oh please anon20:11 - PLEASE tell us what they called Slutty Sarah when she was a bar fly in Wasilla??
ReplyDeleteWe promise we won't tell anyone!!!
Or - contact Patrick!
"9: Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99 and comes with Todd's house, Todd's car, Todd's plane and Todd's boat."
ReplyDeleteWHAT? No SNOW!machine?
oooh yes puhleese Anon 20:11... we want to know. (when amy1 called her "plenty smart" my brain started to .. well... smart, actually)
ReplyDelete@anon20:11 - if you won't tell us what her barfly name was exactly - how about a little rhyming game?
ReplyDeleteRhymes with door? Tut? Hunt? Prank? We already know the ones that rhyme with itch.
Just a little hint?
Was Sarah's Wasilla barfly nickname "Bare-acuda?"
ReplyDeleteI don't know who the person was who called Sarah Palin "smart" but I decided to look up the word and see what applies.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of intelligence, we know that Sarah preferred watching reality TV to reading a book. Like George W. Bush, she is not curious, does not seek to expand her knowledge or broaden her outlook. We cannot call her scholarly.
So, the definitions referring to intelligence: being mentally alert, quick thought, bright, knowledgeable do not apply.
There are other definitions for smart as well, as in causing pain (ouch, that smarts), being pert, saucy, stylish, shrewd. We could probably give Sarah some credit for these terms. When it comes to the description, clever, I think of her as cunning. (She thinks that she is clever when she does that mean girl catty remark thing but it comes off nasty).
The only way that Sarah can disprove any of this is to come out of hiding and give a real press conference where real reporters ask her real questions. If the Murdoch people have her hidden away, recovering from a makeover, being schooled in speech, politics, world economics, the environment, and other important issues, then we await the new improved Sarah Palin. Until then, the only smart thing that she has done lately was to resign her job as governor and bid the world good bye.
@ Anon 22:34 : The allegation that Sarah Palin is “plenty smart” came from Amy1 (15:48) in this comments section. Unfortunately, it set me off on a bit of a grumpy rant, in spite of the levity of this blog. I apologise for that. As you suggest, SP is, at best, cunning and manipulative. She is certainly *not* smart. She is not even street-smart (the merest smattering of street smarts would have allowed her to engage in the VP debate with Biden’s emotive tale of being a lone parent). She is a complete and utter raving lunatic, with absolutely no curiosity whatsoever about any aspect of the world that does not revolve around her. It is utterly incomprehensible to me that any American would ever consider her a suitable candidate or political office of any kind. However, it seems that many do – and her bizarre fundamentalist Christian beliefs merely shore her up. (We already have enough to deal with on this side of the pond without America becoming a theocracy too). Unfortunately, SP is (as Amy1 15:48 says) indisputably “pretty” (well… if you like that sort of look, that is). She reminds me of a scene in a Wim Wenders’ documentary in which the fabulously talented Japanese designer Yohji Yamamoto watches a woman teetering down the street in her high heels and says, “for this woman, I can do nothing”. (Paraphrased from memory – but you get the drift)
ReplyDeleteRegina
ReplyDeleteSince you lost your Sarah clock counting down number of days she had left in office... maybe a new clock is needed.
Since Sarah has never given a national press conference... post clock for "Days since Sarah gave Press Conference"
It would be 383 days as of today
Can't someone write "satire" about the actual stories of Palin in her barfly days. All very true but as if it is a parody, don't use her real name. Just something fun for anonymous to do.
ReplyDeleteAnonymooses at 17:37 and 18:45, I laughed out loud at your Barbie additions! Great work, both of you!
ReplyDeleteSorry, everyone. I just meant she would be smart enough to be a politician if only her heart and ethics were in the right place. It's a low bar. Just because other politicians (Obama, Clintons, Nixon [in his twisted way]) far exceed the minimum, doesn't mean she has to be that smart to count. Look at Dubya, frevvinssakes. I'm not that smart myself, but plenty smart enough to do what needs doing in my life.
ReplyDeleteAnd "pretty"? Sure, why not. Turn it around, gender-wise, and tell me which male politicians are as well-favored for a man as she is for a woman? And she gets credit for a healthy, well-exercised body in my book.
I just don't want to criticize and make fun of things that seem (to me) to be below the belt. We don't need to do that. There is so much else.
Having said that, I have erred once or twice, I'll admit it. I will do my very best not to laugh at her facial surgery, if that's what she's having. That seems such nonsense for a woman of serious purpose (I agree, like Georgia O'Keefe)-- but we know she's not that.
Love the idea of a clock since last press conference! What a feeding frenzy that would be!
Okay, okay, I've erred MORE than once or twice.
ReplyDeleteAnd ProChoiceGrandma, when you find some of that Skin Sparkle-Spackle, can I borrow some? Just for special occasions.
ReplyDeletePlease do a Barfly Barbie for old times sake.
ReplyDeleteHaHa, Amy1, I couldn't find that Skin Sparkle-Spackle, I thought it would be in the same aisle with the acrylic latex caulk. Catchy name, gave me a good chuckle!
ReplyDeleteSarah was a barfly?? That is funny on it's own!!
ReplyDeleteBarfly "Bare-Acud" Barbie!
ReplyDeleteSorry - Barfly "Bare-Acuda" Barbie!
ReplyDeleteMore Barbies:
ReplyDeleteUniversity Barbie comes in cute cheerleader outfit, choice of five or six universities, sorry, no book bag or books.
Sportscaster Barbie: comes in cute perky broadcaster outfit for TV, available with teleprompter and new glasses for reading big print
The Build-a-Barbie Company regrets to announce that Barfly Barbie has been discontinued. Someone thought that it would be a good joke to put her in the new church with Evangelical Barbie. We have had a hard time getting smell of melted plastic out of the storeroom. Both models are currently out of production.
Barbie Action Figures will soon be available in a variety of sports activities: hunting, fishing, snow machining. There has been a snag in the operation; we are waiting for Arctic Cat to furnish the outfits for Snow Machine Barbie, and their production are being held up by an IRS investigation.
Hunting Barbie is also being delayed due to technicalities. She was originally scheduled to be packaged with guns, helicopers and wolf paws, but a lawsuit filed by several wildlife and environment organizations are delaying production.
Fishing Barbie has turned out to be another disappointment for the company. Barbie comes in white T-shirt and beige fishing waders, but she just arranges some nets, poses for pictures and talks to reporters. Unfortunately, Fishing Barbie does not come with fish.
Meanwhile, Barbie fans can look forward to a new concept. We are hoping to launch Build-a-House Barbie. Actually, all we have so far are Ken and his buddies and some materials left over from other building projects, but no building permit.
I'm looking at those legs/feet in the naughty monkey picture and it looks like a two-tone tan. The feet arent' tanned, but the legs are. I think that is evidence of a lack of attention to detail.
ReplyDeletePublic Speaker Barbie will be released next week. When tested in the past, this Barbie failed to perform despite the attractive wardrobe, matching corsage and box of chocolates. Public Speaker Barbie will be test marketed next week in Hong Kong. However, the toy industry is filled with industrial spies trying to steal secret toy designs, so the highest security will be in place for the launch of Public Speaker Barbie.
ReplyDeleteAdvisory: only a few of this model will be produced, therefore we must charge $100.000, payable in advance. No refunds in case of cancellation, no cameras, no recording devices and no other toys.
Four Corners Bar. She was very popular with the guys, I hear.
ReplyDeleteDon't miss Penitentiary Barbie.
ReplyDeleteShe comes with a bright, beautiful orange jumpsuit and the coolest wrist and ankle jewelery.
I'm as anti-Palin as anybody, but using the ordinary effects of aging to "uglify" her is nothing more than misogynistic.
ReplyDeleteLet me guess -- you aren't attracted to older women who don't go the cougar route. Well, then, lines and falling arches and less fiber in strategic muscles must make us ordinary women unworthy of being treated with respect.
I've got news for you, sweetheart. Men might -- occasionally -- age better than women physically. But that doesn't make them more attractive socially as anything beyond eye candy. As for the ordinary geezers who go the belly & ear hair route -- well, better hope it doesn't happen to you. Because as men get older, they lose the energy to hide their true natures, and trust me, the first thing that becomes obvious is exactly what they actually think of women.
And then, whether they look like Cary Grant or Lou Grant, the only reason they aren't alone is money.
Did anyone mention Dinner Date Barbie? Sold to the highest bidder, this doll is a once in a lifetime experience. Comes with moose stew, taco crunch wraps, and Dr.Pepper. Sale subject to background check; only suitable buyers will be considered. Barbie is too classy for just anybody.
ReplyDeleteThis entire thing is a comment on our social values. Women have seen what SP does because we have all tried it at some time.
ReplyDeleteI once read that Grace Kelly gave Marilyn Monroe some advice on turning 30. It was the beginning of the end for the super beauty.
We tend to correlate age with declining intellect. When women's intellect is devalued from the beginning, it is asking to be completely discarded as we age.
A woman who has relied on looks all her life is going to continue to work on that. When our society puts a value on a woman who is mature, stout in the middle with double chins and grey hair but with intellect and wisdom --- then our politicians and actresses and anchor persons will stop having "enhancements."
With all due respect to anon20:11, I want to remind people what happened to Dan Rather. He wanted so badly for his information on W to be true that he became careless. Sarah is playing with the big boys now. They have power, money and years of experience, and they are out to get bloggers. It would be child's play for them to plant people that we would be naive enough to believe - because, like Dan Rather, we want it so badly.
ReplyDeleteanon 20:11
ReplyDeleteSure wish you would tell more about the Barfly Sarah! Heard the rumors, but wish someone locally would inform the rest about her early years. Don't figure Sarah will write a chapter about her Barfly years in her book!
Isn't this thread political satire? Nothing wrong with it.
ReplyDeleteAnon@7:49
ReplyDeleteWhy would the Quitter plant a comment about her being a "barfly"?
Why?
If anything they want to keep that kind of thing quiet.
Wet blanket.
Anon@20:11 talk on :)
The world needs to know about "Barfly" Barbie... :)
Someone said she hung out at Four Corners Bar.
ReplyDeleteIs this it??
http://www.likeme.net/places/four-corners-lounge-palmer
when was that and what was her nickname
I'm Anon7:49. I never said that I wasn't interested in barfly information -- I am, if it's true. Because there are people out to destroy anti-Palin bloggers, I just thought it could have been planted to distract people from the larger picture. We can't afford to lose our focus on babygate, housegate, emailgate, troopergate, dairygate, etc. Family-values Republicans with alcohol and marital problems are a dime a dozen. It just ocurred to me that someone might be playing with us. I'm sorry if I offended anyone and I'm sorry I wasn't more clear.
ReplyDelete