Saturday, 2 July 2011

Sarah Palin causes trouble for Carla Bruni

As it's a holiday weekend, I'll indulge in a bit of satire.

Sarah Palin is having trouble at home, having been upstaged by that copy-cat Michele Bachmann, not to mention the disappointment of a dismally attended joint book signing with her big daughter Bristol.

Now there's trouble further afield. Sarah's old friend President Sarkozy is not happy with his wife's appearance. Former model Carla Bruni was on the cover of the June issue of Elle magazine looking visibly pregnant. The baby is due in October and Carla is showing too soon!

Sarko went ballistic, stomped his little feet and was oveheard chastising his hapless wife: "Non, non, non! How dare you pose for Elle showing that bump? Haven't you seen the photo of my good friend Sarah Palin at seven months, looking trim, with a toned belly?"

"We're French, sacré bleu! French women are supposed to be slim and elegant, now you ruined our image! You were a model and couldn't do better than a hockey cochon with lipstick? Ha! You're Italian, there must be a way to salvage the reputation of pregnant French women after all. Yes! I'll blame the Italian pasta or quelque chose like that. How am I going to face Todd when I go 'unting in Alaska? He's going to gloat, he has a super wife and I have a sloppy one. His Sarah thrashed her abs, looked fantastique and you disgraced me! On the cover of Elle, for all to see and laugh at me. Merde!"

Poor Carla. Sarko has a fiery temperament and is very image conscious. The guy carries a little box to stand on to look taller and doesn't allow Carla to wear high heels. It's all about him.

I don't know how he's going to deal with the progressing pregnancy. Carla is going to get bigger and bring further shame on the little guy.

Sarkozy rang Sarah again, trying to get some tips for Carla's abs and she was very gracious and reassuring. She told him to look at the photo taken on April 13.

"See? I looked big and pregnant, there's nothing to worry about. Don't blame your beautiful wife. You live in Paris and she can't go huntin and fishin and climbin and loggin like I can up here in Alaska, unless she goes climbin that tower you have there, built in honor of your founding fathers by the brother of the guy who gave us the statute of Liberty so the legal immigrants could find their way here to freedom. Or something like that. I looked flat because the lamestream media took my pregnancy out of context. Your wife looks beautiful (what a cow!)."

Sarko wasn't too convinced and devised a rigorous regime for Carla. No more pasta, only crunchwrap supremes, skinny lattes and Red Bull from now on. And she'll have to swim the Seine and climb the Eiffel tower at least three times a week.

He also asked Sarah to bring her bus tour to France. The French need educating about their history aussi, too. They know nothing about their founding fathers, merde alors! (To be fair, he didn't know about them either, not until Sarah set the record straight.)