Sunday, 31 January 2010

Mandation: Sarah Palin’s State of…umm…

It's Sunday, so let's have a brief moment of relaxation and comic relief before getting back to more serious stuff.

This post appeared on a blog called Civilization Rant, written by theworstat. We couldn't find an e-mail address to ask for permission to repost it, but it's so funny that we had to share it with you.

(Theworstat, if you object to your post appearing here without permission, please get in touch. But if you're happy, we're happy, let's laugh together.)

Mandation: Sarah Palin’s State of…umm…

(Following is an excerpt of the State of the Union(?) speech from Teabagger shadow President Sarah Palin. *)
*I made stuff up

"Fellow real Americans in small towns, family values, the Constitution which we hold dear has family values just like you, and thanks for buying my book! This year we defeated Russia because Putin reared his head in my backyard talking to my neighbor and you know, it was like he was in my backyard and I could see him across a lake or he was in my air space or something so I told him to skedaddle home! Just like with healthcare, I would have had to abort Trig because of the death panels. Alaska did not have a death panel it was only to save taxpayer money, just like George Washington signed the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights which is in the Declaration or something. It was a mandation from Washington that did it. I got real mad because Katie Couric has no self-confidence and asked me what I read to make herself feel better! So I told her I read lots of stuff, I like everything. But she’s so elitist I could just tell she has no self-confidence. So I just want her to stop makin’ stuff up or God will get her like he got New Orleans for sinnin’ and stuff.

Real pockets of real pro-Americans live on farms in little towns. That is not a mandation from Washington. You do it because you enjoy freedom and family values and our great history. I have the courage and honor of thanking our veterans who are fighting Iraq in Afghanistan.

That’s why I make all my speeches on Fox News. They hired me because I know all about this stuff. I flew over Canada a few times, you know! Obama was born there or in someplace else where they wear stuff on their heads and are anti-American (editor’s note: see what we wish had been Obama’s real SotU here). We’d be better off being nice to Afghanistan because they’re our neighbor.

I’m a real American and they wouldn’t let me be President so I could be the only real American in Washington and run the Senate, you betcha. I would have gotten in with all those Senators and stuff and made life better for real Americans, like healthcare which is needed for a good economy. No need to change anything! We need smaller government so we can stop interfering with corporations and our freedom which we hold dear and independently and don’t need spending and taxes. We don’t need government in our lives, we need stuff that doesn’t need intervention.

So next year I am going to pray to God that we have America and family values even after that black Muslim guy is in office and the Supreme Court. The Statue of Liberty has 25 windows and I know why cuz I Googled it you betcha. That’s how I went to college and got my journalism degree would have been Miss Alaska except for that black girl and quit my governor job because I have family values and value freedom and work hard every day. No lame ducks around my house! Have you seen my husband?
I like the idea of a Queen of England, just like Queen Ester, since England is a state in New England and everyone knows women are freer if they have less rights to abortion and contraception and stuff. But I haven’t decided yet. Everyone pray real hard and send me money for campaign funds for real Americans. See ya next year you betcha!"

Mrs. Palin is the first recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Stupid of the Day Award.

You can read more funny posts by theworstat at Civilization Rant.

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