Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Sarah Palin's announcement speech (Satire)

Sarah Palin's announcement speech has been leaked and I was lucky to receive a copy:

My fellow teabaggers, do you love your freedom?

What a great city you have here in Indianola! The balloon city of the heartland! I must tellya, we use only genuine Indianola balloons to decorate the house when our kids have birthday parties, don't we, Todd?

It's good to see so many little people together and we're happy to announce that we'll be runnin' for President of this fine country.

We're goin' to plow through that door of the White House because God opened it a crack and we'll act according to his mandation. He created America as a Christian, exceptional nation, like a shiny hill in the city, for the true patriots.

I was just talking to Piper yesterday when we were out huntin' for the freezer and the wisdom of a child is a miracle. She asked "Mom, if the Founding Fathers were true Christians, shouldn't they be called Christian Fathers, or Founding Christians?"

The lamestream media will criticize little Piper Diaper for her wisdom, but we'll amend the doggone foundin' documents when we're President because in God we trust and they'll have to take all that money with those words out of my cold dead hands.

Mama grizzlies don't go with flow, only dead fish do that, it's a time tested truth that my science teacher dad has been teachin' up there in the great state of Alaska for ions. You little people don't go with the flow and I don't go with the flow of politics as usual of the elitistic crowd of Washington DC.

No more old boys club, we'll start a new grizzly club, but not for the cackling rads. We'll refudiate all the Supreme Court decisions that we don't like and take government out of our lives and with all my executive experience as a businesswoman and fish wife we'll reform that Department of Law there in the White House.

My science teacher dad and his wife Sally and also too my precious little boy with those special needs escaped Obama's death panels because I warned the country about the blood libel and it's time to end Medicaid and Medicare because we're not having no entitlement programs if we're goin' to have real energy independence with good smellin' emissions and rein in spending. I learned the five Ws of governin' in college and will clean the sorry state that journalism is in so it's fair and balanced in the White House.

I'm sorry we took so long to make this announcement, but I didn't blink before when I ran on the Palin/McCain ticket and you saw what happened. Obama encouraged the media to attack my family and they kept asking for medical records and about my record as the CEO of Alaska in a sexist way when they didn't even ask questions about Obama pallin' around with Bill Ayers since he was eight years old! I'll tellya, what kind of vetting was that? So I blinked this time, just to make sure. But we didn't retreat, we reloaded.

We took our time to decide to throw my servant's heart in the ring, didn't we, Todd? But the family is doing good, hell yeah, they are. Bristol the Pistol and her sister Willow the Pillow are doing just great in LA with no boys upstairs and my precious gift from God is somewhere in Alaska, walking around with his hand in front of him, looking for the North Star, I'm so blessed! My veteran son that nobody can take away from me shrugged his shoulders in a very encouragin' manner and said whatever, Piper will travel around with me on this vaca... campaign, so we're good to go.

I have to ask Track to do some goggling for me. What is it the president does all day, everyday?

God bless Real America!

Ah, before I forget: Send all your money to my new Pac, the old one is no good anymore.

As I'm in a wicked mood today, here's a very short video (no voice, just a bit of music):